I thought diagnosis was the definitive answer…

Hey everyone. So I haven’t written anything, for like a very long time. To be honest my head just hasn’t been in it and I’ve had a lot going on (as usual). There is never a dull moment in the life of Laura Kilvington and I have pretty much just learnt to accept that.

So, whats been going on?

Well, my last post was back in September, and I was still feeling a bit emotional from the death of my nan. Since then, the last couple of weeks have been a bit of a blur, it’s crazy how one person’s death can change an entire family dynamic. I don’t really feel like I’ve processed her not being here yet, it’s strange. I’ts almost like its just been one long weird dream. It’s not a nightmare, because they scare you. It feels more like a dream because I’m lost. I always feel lost in my dreams, even in familiar places, it almost feels like I’m in a realm I can’t escape from, searching for something I’m unaware of and feeling ultimately lost.

So that’s been one crappy element of life, but as I get older I imagine that death will only become more of a reality, and I will be able to navigate more clearly through the dream induced state that grief creates. Another big thing has happened in my life recently, and I just wanted to talk about it because I feel somewhat disappointed in a sense, that I didn’t feel how I would expect to feel.

This big thing, this pivotal moment for me was informally receiving my bipolar diagnosis. Now, I have battled with this beast for a mighty long time and one of my very few silver linings with Bipolar was the hope that one day, I wouldn’t have to chase health professionals, sit and explain myself for the umpteenth time, that one day I would not feel so lost, because someone would turn around and say ‘You have Bipolar’.

That would give me a reason I imagine to not feel guilty about my actions, about the turmoil that this illness has sometimes brought to my life. I would be able to reflect and think, ‘Hang on Lau, yes you’ve tried and failed throughout your life, but don’t you see, you have an illness’. Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, if you’re reading this and expecting those magic words to suddenly heal the years of pain and struggle. Because honestly, from my experience, absolutely nothing changed.

I know that some people find hope and a new direction with diagnosis, but it hasn’t instilled much hope in me. All that I know now is that medical professionals are aware of my condition, but that absolutely does not mean that they will understand more. When I say they,  that is quite a blanket statement, I’ve had some amazing interactions with mental health professionals, more bad than good I’ll admit, but I know that is a societal problem. I know that health professionals are under immense pressure dealing with millions of people just like me with a huge lack of resource.

I guess I just dreamt that diagnosis would be a problem solver. Because when you go through a mental illness it can be extremely lonely and not knowing what it is that is happening to you and why your mind is the way it is, is petrifying. The truth is, I’ve known for a long time, and if your sat here second guessing your own illness, or your own issues, then the likelihood is that you know your own truth too.

We don’t always need a medical diagnosis to tell us what is wrong, sometimes we just know, and sometimes diagnosis helps in certain situations but all I’m saying is, don’t fight for it too hard, because it isn’t a magic wand that miraculously heals all of our invisible wounds, it just brings them all to the surface. But we’ll always have the scars.

Until next time.

Laura xo

3 Comments

  1. crazywriterof6 Reply

    Not having that magic wand sucks! I am 43 now and unfortunately, the death part of life doesn’t get easier to deal with either. You have to be careful not to fall into a pit of despair.

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